I am not a liar.
Have you ever told a white lie before? Of course you have. You’ve probably told hundreds. But they’re really no big deal. If people do find out about them, it’s usually just a shrug and an eye roll and then no one ever mentions it again. But could you imagine if you told a few white lies… and then it was brought up to you EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past FIVE years? And not only brought up, but brought up in the manner as if it had JUST happened? That is my life.
Please realize- the majority of things that you read online (that don’t come from a direct source) are either completely false or majorly twisted. It takes so much for me not to go ape-shit on these people who are always trying to stir up drama by rambling off all of these “facts” they read about me online. I’m not sure what they’re wanting out of it… to start an army of people against me? to make me quit? to simply make themselves feel better? I HAVE NO IDEA. But they sure do dedicate a lot of time to it. There are literally people who have typed up PAGES of “information” about me, in an attempt to make people dislike me. IT’S CRAZY. I have no problem with people talking shit about me. They can say that I’m dumb and ugly and whatever other insults they’d like. But spreading lies as if they were facts and making my viewers think poorly of me? I can’t handle that. I’ve been dealing with this crap for SUCH a long time… I seriously have no patience for it. I’ve actually been very good about ignoring it for the past three years or so, but more recently I feel like I’ve been zapped back in time… because that’s how often it’s being used against me. I think everything was kind of “dug up” when my newer viewers started looking into me… and they read everything and took it to be 100% factual. But I just want to bury it for good and move onnnnn. So allow me to clear the air once and for all! :)
When I first started posting videos on YouTube, five years ago, it was NOTHING like it is now. There weren’t exactly “YouTube celebrities” and no one was making a career out of YouTube. Maaaaybe a handful of people. YouTube had just began accepting partners and there were only about a total of 50 people who even had the option of earning a tiny bit of money from their videos. What I’m trying to say is- I started posting videos on YouTube because I was bored. That is all. I had no intention of it getting popular and taking me to where I am today. So naturally, I didn’t take it very seriously. My videos were getting about 500 views, so why would I hold back on having a little fun with it? I mean, imagine you met this cute guy online, and you started to chat, but found out he lives 3000 miles away, so you’re like hey- I’ll never meet this guy, why not embellish myself a bit, just for fun? That was me. But they were the TINIEST lies. My name. The story of how I got my name. What year I was in college. THE END. Those are the ONLY things I have ever lied about. People will try and tell you otherwise, but that is 100% the truth. So can you believe that just those tiny little lies have spiraled into this big, huge deal? I honestly still can’t.
So fast forward to a few months later. I’m still making videos, but they’re actually getting quite a lot of views! About 40,000-50,000/video (which believe it or not was considered A LOT for an average YouTuber back then, hahaha). And I have this moment where I’m like… “shit, I feel like I should come clean before this slaps me in the face!”. So I make a video about it. *sigh* I shouldn’t have done that. But I just felt like it was the right thing to do! So I made this dumb video called “I’m A Liar”, and I came clean about it all. I apologized and I came clean. Little did I know, I just opened a huge can of worms. From that point on, everyone would pick things out that I said on video and claim them to be lies. They would even create “evidence” and try and convince other people that I was a compulsive liar. It just got so out of hand. But it actually got worse.
A lot of you may have realized this by now, but I am an extreme perfectionist. It’s a serious disorder that strongly effects my life on a daily basis. The best way to describe it, is that when I look at something- ALL I can see is the bad. The flaws just jump out at me and I must do whatever it takes to fix them, or make them go away. They drive me absolutely insane. During my first few years of making videos on YouTube, I would go back and watch my older videos and just CRINGE at all the flaws. Editing mistakes, poor lighting, something dumb I said (side note- It’s hard for people who don’t make videos to grasp the concept that it’s VERY easy to make mistakes on camera. You can say something that you don’t think anything of… but then ONE person can twist it and thousands will follow. And then before you know it- BAM, that’s the truth and your word means nothing over the crowds’), a zit that was on my face, lipstick out of place…. just SO many flaws. They ate away at me every single hour of every single day. I know that sounds completely ridiculous, but it is the truth. It became such a struggle for me to not delete those videos, I had mental breakdowns because of it. But I wanted to keep them up! They would help me become more successful… but I just couldn’t handle the flaws back then, as well as I can now. So I would go on these little deleting sprees. Just delete two, three… or ten. Then I would feel much better. However, people didn’t seem to understand why I was removing the videos. They looked a little too deeply into it and became convinced (by some loving individuals, I’m sure) that I was deleting them to “cover up my hundreds of lies!” -_- I just couldn’t catch a break. But I kept my head up and continued posting videos.
Finally, after three years on my channel- I was DONE. Just so sick of it all. The content. The drama. EVERYTHING. So I said goodbye, deleted the channel and moved onto something new. I felt as if I had been shoved into a box for three years and now that I was ready to come out, I was dying to find a new place to go. A new area of interest. Something to make me feel passionate again. So I made a new channel. Then the next year, another new channel. And then this year, WULAS. I’m not even going to front, I will admit to you- I am a fucking chameleon. I am all over the place when it comes to my creative choices. It is my biggest fault, but also my biggest strong point.
“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way”
"Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm"
Many of the world’s most successful people have gone through MANY “failed” projects before settling on what they were destined to do. But those events took them to where they needed to be! Without them, they never would have arrived at the right place. I don’t consider my old channels to be failures. They have been major stepping stones in my life; they have taken me to where I am today and have shaped me into WHO I have become. But people sure do love to give me shit for it, don’t they? hahaha ^_^ But you know, I’m a very open person. I’ve put all of my decisions out into the world for people to see and to judge. And from an outside viewpoint, you know, I may look a bit crazy. But if you were to publicly say all of your decisions online, I think you would look all over the place as well. People change their minds. I mean, most people change their major at least three times! It’s just a way of life.
I really need to bring this to a close—
In a way, I feel as if I’m admitting defeat by writing this post. But after five years… I just had to defend myself; lay it all out for the world, so you can see everything from my perspective. I don’t want to be forty years old, uploading vlogs of my family, and still see people ranting about how I’m a nasty person and a liar (LOL, could you imagine??? But honestly at this rate it doesn’t seem too far off, haha). And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’ve been a perfect person when it comes to YouTube, because I am FAR from it. I have made many mistakes. And I have learned so many lessons the hard way. But I am NOT a liar. And I do believe that I am a good person with a big heart. I just think my intentions are twisted way too frequently… almost to a point where I need to act like the Virgin Mary to avoid conflict. But that’s not who I am!! I love being sassy and obnoxious, I think it’s hilarious. I don’t want to be plain Jane with no personality and nothing original to say and do. That’s not who I am. And if my words get me in trouble sometimes, so be it! But I’m not going to censor myself to the limit that people have pushed me to. I refuse!!!! hahaha :)
I know that I have so many amazing, and loving viewers who have supported me all the way through- and I want you guys to know, you mean everything to me. I cannot thank you enough for having my back. You are very special people and I don’t want you to ever lose that big heart of yours.
I just really want to lay this all to rest. So please help me do that. Don’t spread lies. Don’t assume that everything you read about someone online is truthful. Just ask.